Inside My Head: Thoughts from a Curious Chaser

Inside My Head: Thoughts from a Curious Chaser

So far my articles have been about other people or various topics, so now that the number of posts has reached double digits, I figured it would be a good time to talk about myself. This will give you an opportunity to get to know me a little better and give you some insight to help you understand what I’m thinking. In saying that, I’m still processing these thoughts, so my thinking in terms of a bug chaser is still a work in progress. I have received a few questions via my social media account, so I thought the perfect way to answer these questions is to put an article together.

The articles I have been writing have been based on me trying to discover myself and helping others at the same time. I want to learn more about bug chasing, as I figure out whether I should advance from being a curious bug chaser to an active bug chaser or whether I should retreat and become an inactive bug chaser. I figured sharing some of the information I have found along the way would be a great way to help others who might be in the same situation as myself and as this website becomes more active, my plan is to open up some interactive sections so those with chasing and gifting experience can share their experiences, to help us all learn and get some insight into the world of chasing and gifting.

I have been curious about bug chasing for a long time, but I have never acted on my instincts and to be honest, I never took these thoughts seriously, they were just kept in the back of my mind. These thoughts would come and go inside my head and I would continue to brush them aside, not thinking they meant anything significant. When I think back to when I first started having these thoughts, I would have been in my early 20s (I’m 35 now), so I have been having bug chasing thoughts for around ten to fifteen years. Up to this point, they have been thoughts and thoughts alone.

Then I started questioning these thoughts a few years ago, because they weren’t going away. You can pretend something isn’t there, but when it keeps coming back to you over and over again, it’s hard to forget about and it seems like it’s stuck in your mind. That’s when I started taking this a little bit more seriously, but not overly seriously, I just started questioning these thoughts and wondering why I was having them. I am a barebacker and skipped using condoms altogether, because I love creating a skin-on-skin connection with those I’m with and the fluid bonding at the end is very sacred to me, it’s what makes sex so special.

I started thinking more about bug chasing and I would sometimes read articles and think to myself, that sounds interesting, but it doesn’t sound like something I would be comfortable doing myself. The thoughts would subside for a while, but later return, like an erection comes and goes until you cum, your hard-on goes away until the next time you retrieve your dick from your pants so you can have some fun. These bug chasing thoughts that are coming and going inside my head keep returning, they aren’t going away.

That’s when a couple of years ago I started thinking more seriously about bug chasing. I still wasn’t thinking about actually doing it, but I wanted to learn more, so I started researching articles here and there and that’s when I found many articles about bug chasing aren’t written for people like me; people who are questioning themselves and wanting to learn more about why they might be programmed to think this way. The articles I came across were primarily written by academics who were trying to understand us from a psychological perspective or from journalists who sometimes wanted to sensationalise bug chasing.

I created a folder on my computer and started collecting bug chasing articles, that way I could read them whenever my curiosity piqued. In more recent times, I have started to find that these bug chasing thoughts are becoming stronger and more frequent, they are persisting and because of this, I made the choice that I’m going to take this seriously. I thought to myself that if these thoughts aren’t going away, I need to either understand them better, so I can make them go away or I need to take them seriously and see where they take me.

This is where I’m at right now, I’m taking bug chasing seriously, as I can’t get these thoughts out of my mind, so I have made the decision to explore bug chasing, so I can better understand my identity, because bug chasing has become part of my identity, which I am yet to fully comprehend. I started talking online with other bug chasers, gift givers and HIV+ guys to ask them what it was like to chase or if they weren’t chasers, I respectfully asked them what it’s like being HIV-positive. Asking these questions respectfully is extremely important, as this can be a sensitive subject, so I was always mindful of this and respected those who didn’t want to talk about it.

I want to understand people better, because you can learn from people, especially those who have practical experience. Theory is a great starting point, but sometimes has its limitations, because those with experience have first hand knowledge, so they can feel and experience the emotions that others can only wonder about. As we process emotions differently, talking to other people can only give you part of the picture, bug chasing is very personal and as we cope with things differently and are in unique situations, what one person experiences can be completely different for another person.

Handsome young man thinking. / 建鹏 邵 from Pixabay.

That is why creating this resource is just one piece of the puzzle. I am writing articles and sharing what I find, plus I will be inviting those with bug chasing and gift giving experience and those who are HIV-positive to contribute by sharing their stories and experiences, that way the different pieces of the puzzle can start to create a picture that becomes more complete as more people contribute. The puzzle might never be fully complete, because we are all one piece of the puzzle and we can’t fit into place until the time is right, which means the puzzle remains incomplete until we have made our final decision.

When it comes to thinking about making decisions, this is where I’m at right now. I’m struggling to comprehend why I feel this way and I question why as a completely healthy person, I want to contract a virus that I know is going to make me sick. I already know that if a person walks into a fire, they are going to get burned, and it’s exactly the same with bug chasing, I know that a person who becomes infected with HIV is going to get sick if they don’t take antiretroviral medication at some point, so why would I still think that becoming infected with HIV is an option to consider?

Many people would take becoming infected with a life-long illness as an option off the table fairly quickly, but I am still seriously contemplating it, even knowing that the virus has the sole purpose of destroying the body and this destruction will not end until the virus has done it’s job completely, which will ultimately lead to its own destruction, as the vessel it is surviving within will no longer be alive. The virus itself is not what kills a person, it’s what it does to destroy our body’s immune system that causes death when the body can no longer defend itself. Why would someone who knows this still consider wanting to contract the virus? This is a fucking good question and I’m still searching for the answer.

Some bug chasers are more confident than others and have had the courage to take the step with less hesitation than myself. But I am a thinker and a worrier, so this combination is pushing my mind into overdrive as I process these thoughts in an attempt to understand myself better. I am a very happy person, I enjoy life, I’m not depressed, I have a well paying job, I love having sex, there’s not really any negative influencing factors pushing me in this direction, which makes it even more confusing for me, because if I felt suicidal or depressed, then this could be an explanation, but it’s not.

I have reached the stage where I’m thinking ahead about what my life would be like if I was to convert and live my life as an HIV-positive guy. It’s hard to imagine with precision, as you can’t know for sure until you’re living a positive life for real. I look at my parents and think about how sad they would be knowing I am wanting to become infected with HIV. Then I look at my dog and wonder who will take care of him if my health rapidly declines, as he’s so innocent and needs me. I think of my friends and family and wonder whether their life would be impacted by my decision.

I am at the point where I am thinking about this really seriously, but I’m not at the stage where I’m ready to make the final decision. What I do believe is that there is something programmed inside my brain that’s making me think this way, as I cannot find anything that’s influencing me. Whether it’s the sense of community, a bond with other gay men who are HIV-positive, or a number of other reasons, but I do know that if I choose to take this step, I cannot take it back. There is no undo button like we have on our computer or liquid paper to erase something we write, this is a decision that has a lifelong commitment.

After taking into account everything I have considered after weighing up the pros and cons, you might be surprised to know that I am 99% wanting to take the next step by moving from being a curious chaser to becoming an active chaser. The remaining 1% is such a tiny number, and it’s all that’s holding me back from taking the next step, which means my thoughts are in overdrive right now. Things will often move quickly at the beginning, but towards the end, the speed begins to slow, as you process the serious issues as you move in the direction of making that final decision, and it’s a decision you must be completely comfortable making before you proceed.

I’m not rushing this, I’m thinking very carefully, as I know this decision is extremely important and it’s life-changing. I also don’t want to influence anyone else, as this is my experience and we will each have a different one, but I’m happy for you to learn from me if you want to. I believe the remaining 1% is going to take the most time to process, because it involves the big issues and complexities about whether I want to proceed, but I can only do this once I am ready and this must not be rushed. This is why I have to work through the worries and the anxiety about doing this by making sure I am prepared for what’s ahead, because it could be a rough ride or smooth sailing, only time will tell.

Featured Photo: 建鹏 邵 from Pixabay.
Article ID: CC013
Version Control: 1.0 – October 11, 2021: Original article published.

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August 20, 2022 3:14 am

Jason, I just saw this older post of yours…I too am an “overthinker” sometimes, but here I’d say you are spot-on to weigh all factors. You mention your body breaking down but may I ask — would you not go on meds after becoming poz (With what we know about the virus now, getting pozzed leads to increased desire and libido and the will to spread the gift far and wide), so maybe not right away, but after a year or so going on meds? I assume after you do go poz, you’d want to share it with others?
I also wonder if you being in a country where there is National Health factors in..and how different being poz and uninsured in the USA would be. Anyway, just some thoughts.

December 30, 2021 8:46 am

Porn has a big influence on my POZ fetish. While visual porn with biohazard tatted guys going for it raw is a huge turn on, even more arousing for me are written stories of POZ conversion where my imagination can run riot. Some of those stories stay in my mind for days afterwards fuelling my dark desire.

December 14, 2021 8:43 am

Hi Jason you are writing so brilliantly: your language, your openness your devotion: its such a pleasure to be able to read these thoughts of yours once again as they indeed are universal and truly well recognised by to many gay men. Thanks so much – I know you are a genuinely caring-for-us-all guy. And when you write about your parents and friends and your dog: yes, this is precisely how it worked inside me when I wanted to stop my HIV treatment: it was in and out, it was brains versus balls for quite some time. Guess what worked for me was to decide: Im the main character here, its MY life, its MY decision and consequently I have to feel comfortable with decisions made – THEY ARE MINE and MINE solely
Once again: thanks so much – very very well written and so constructive and reaching-out.

December 13, 2021 8:42 am

Great read!

Would be nice to have other chasers tell their story as you did

October 25, 2021 8:36 am

I would like to ask everybody here how much of an impact has porn (especially bareback porn) had in your mindset concerning bugchasing and the arousal it causes in all of us? I threw the arrow about this; I should be the one to start the conversation. I have always been very curious about nudity from an early age but aware that due to a Catholic moralistic education, a lot had to be repressed to survive in the world I was growing in. Porn, like it happened to most of us if not all, started with discovering straight porn especially European vintage 80s and 90s porn – Roberto Malone might say something to some of us here – seeing big thick cocks spoke volumes to me and clearly looking back said a lot about me. With the years going, masturbation and fantasying about sex grew stronger and stronger until I managed to start having my first sexual experiences, but all of them with condom for obvious reasons. Barebacking as a concept would only arrive with discovering gay porn on the internet and we all remember the early years of Treasure Media Island and their audacity to allow positive guys to have sex with other for a camera and how back trashed that whole audacity got from the remaining industry. But a seed (no pun intended) was left within my brain with that branch of porn that visually showed distinct types of bodies and focused so much on barebacking and seeing sperm being shoved into one’s ass and dripping out afterwards – that visual effect made me feel something I was still not able to fully grasp but the arousal was monumental. During the Dawson’s era I had no clue about this hidden desire of bugchasing that was emerging secretly among many of us, but I would only find this concept on a more recent way through daring condomless experiences and finding videos and articles focusing a lot on bareback and this darker side of it that causing in all of us a tremendous arousal and leaving us stuck between feeling fear and having a boner. Does this mean I would like to be HIV+? This was the questions that got glued in my brain but instead of answering it, I was drawn increasingly into bareback porn especially since so many companies were shifting into bareback porn due to U=U and PreP.
I found myself watching at Rocco Steele, Brian Bonds, Dolf Dietrich, Blue Bailey and more recently Teddy Torres as they fucked bareback so often and so intensively in their scenes that I could only imagine them “seroconverting” the bottom, an idea that clearly emerged while jerking off for hours, until I came, and reality reminded me: “they are all undetectable!”.
My desire for bug chasing increases every time I consume more and more porn that gives me this type of scenario with specific porn actors that I know are HIV+ but undetectable. Looking at Jack Andy, Hugh Hunter, and wondering how many others HIV+ can there also be. In a world of morals, this would have been considered irresponsible from my part, so it became a secret that only one close friend of mine knows due to his own way of engaging in unprotected sex. But this has been my own path to understand myself sexually and to decode my own relationship with a virus that was “born” on the same year that I was born, killed millions in a very traumatizing era, and now find its ways into my brain as a sexually arousing mechanism.
Also in a more humanly-pedagogical way, listening and reading about these porn actors when they address the topic of HIV, it also helps me understanding this reality in a more convincing way and had always made think very critically about my own desires and to find a balance between how this makes me feel and how this would be if I gave that step forward risking myself to become poz as well. There is a long way to go when to comes to this … it might never become anything else, or else it might add another layer to myself that very few or if any will be able to understand…

October 23, 2021 8:41 am

Very thoughtful exploration of your thoughts.

I suspect that if someone interacts in real life or online with people interested in pozzing then the idea will move from the imaginative brain to the action oriented brain space quite easily over time.

It’s similar to moving to a new kink. People can read a kinky story involving an act they haven’t taken part in. It may or may not excite them. If it does they can read more (or watch videos etc). This will continue until it becomes embedded in their fantasy brain. The person may start considering the act as possible or desirable rather than just a forbidden kink. Eventually they may act on this changed point of view.

The whole thing is super accelerated if they also chat a lot to people into that act who will reinforce all the things they read or watch. The internet normalizes everything so quickly and it flattens out the outrage or disgust or unease people once felt about non average opinions and acts.

Getting deliberately pozzed is like jumping off a bridge into a river. If you have supportive friends who are into gift giving (as an idea or reality) or were themselves pozzed to drag you onto the river bank you can easily survive that leap and then start dealing with the consequences. if you get to the edge of the bridge just through porn and gifting Twitter and poz friendly bareback type sites then you will have to face the dual challenges of the practicality of being poz (not a death sentence these days in Australia or at least a long postponed one) AND handling the move from vaguely possible fantasy to your personal reality.

Finally as you seem to say in the final paragraph you are fine to live with this in your head and keep waiting till it becomes a more natural option which is great. it won’t scratch the itch in the same way as converting but its not a bad thing to have that tension in your brain buzzing around all the time either.

October 13, 2021 8:31 am

In many ways you are giving us all a voice to verbalize our own thoughts on the matter besides mirroring every single question we all have about our own desire for bugchasing. I am looking forward to learning more from what you’re feeling and thinking about as time goes by. I appreciate the openness and honesty. Cheers.

October 13, 2021 8:30 am

I love this article. I feel like I’m at the exact same point. That being said, I have had one or two moments where I took detectable loads. Both of those times I was on prep, however only a few pills on those occasions (not fully prepped). I didn’t end up converting, but I’ve started dipping my toes in the water, deeper each time. Now I’m deciding if I am ready to jump in fully yet or not.

October 13, 2021 8:29 am

Jason you have written a very interesting article.